[R-G] Monty Python's Terry Jones: Bombs Away!

[Tim Murphy]

December 7, 2002
The Observer (UK Sunday)

Monty Python's Terry Jones

Bombs Away!

To prevent terrorism by dropping bombs on Iraq is such an obvious
idea that I can't think why no one has thought of it before. It's
so simple.

If only the UK had done something similar in Northern Ireland, we
wouldn't be in the mess we are in today.

The moment the IRA blew up the Horseguards' bandstand, the Government
should have declared its own War on Terrorism. It should have
immediately demanded that the Irish government hand over Gerry
Adams.

If they refused to do so - or quibbled about needing proof of his
guilt - we could have told them that this was no time for prevarication
and that they must hand over not only Adams but all IRA terrorists
in the Republic. If they tried to stall by claiming that it was
hard to tell who were IRA terrorists and who weren't, because they
don't go around wearing identity badges, we would have been free
to send in the bombers.

It is well known that the best way of picking out terrorists is to
fly 30,000ft above the capital city of any state that harbours them
and drop bombs - preferably cluster bombs. It is conceivable that
the bombing of Dublin might have provoked some sort of protest,
even if just from James Joyce fans, and there is at least some
likelihood of increased anti-British sentiment in what remained of
the city and thus a rise in the numbers of potential terrorists.
But this, in itself, would have justified the tactic of bombing
them in the first place. We would have nipped them in the bud, so
to speak. I hope you follow the argument.

Having bombed Dublin and, perhaps, a few IRA training bogs in
Tipperary, we could not have afforded to be complacent. We would
have had to turn our attention to those states which had supported
and funded the IRA terrorists through all these years. The main
provider of funds was, of course, the USA, and this would have posed
us with a bit of a problem. Where to bomb in America? It's a big
place and it's by no means certain that a small country like the
UK could afford enough bombs to do the whole job.

It's going to cost the US billions to bomb Iraq and a lot of that
is empty. America, on the other hand, provides a bewildering number
of targets. Should we have bombed Washington, where the policies
were formed? Or should we have concentrated on places where Irishmen
are known to lurk, like New York, Boston and Philadelphia? We could
have bombed any police station and fire station in most major urban
centres, secure in the knowledge that we would be taking out
significant numbers of IRA sympathizers. On St Patrick's Day, we
could have bombed Fifth Avenue and scored a bull's-eye.

In those American cities we couldn't afford to bomb, we could have
rounded up American citizens with Irish names, put bags over their
heads and flown them in chains to Guernsey or Rockall, where we
could have given them food packets marked 'My Kind of Meal' and
exposed them to the elements with a clear conscience.

The same goes for Australia. There are thousands of people in Sydney
and Melbourne alone who have actively supported Irish republicanism
by sending money and good wishes back to people in the Republic,
many of whom are known to be IRA members and sympathizers. A
well-placed bomb or two Down Under could have taken out the ringleaders
and left the world a safer place. Of course, it goes without saying
that we would also have had to bomb various parts of London such
as Camden Town, Lewisham and bits of Hammersmith and we should
certainly have had to obliterate, if not the whole of Liverpool,
at least the Scotland Road area.

And that would be it really, as far as exterminating the IRA and
its supporters. Easy. The War on Terrorism provides a solution so
uncomplicated, so straightforward and so gloriously simple that it
baffles me why it has taken a man with the brains of George W. Bush
to think of it.

So, sock it to Iraq, George. Let's make the world a safer place.

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