[Marxism] 2009, the Year in Preview

[Greg McDonald]

2009, the Year in Preview
The Year No One Can Remember

By JOHN ROSS

2009 will be remembered as the year no one can remember. Faced with  
the collapse of capitalism and multiple catastrophes triggered by  
global warming, President-elect Barack Obama called off the year  
after nine months of unremittingly bad news. Here is a month-by-month  
breakdown of the breakdown.

JANUARY - The year began inauspiciously enough when at Barack Obama's  
January 20th inauguration, Chief Justice John Roberts misidentified  
the President-elect as Osama Bin-Laden. Apparently not catching the  
chief justice's "mistake", Obama Hussein swore in under the name of  
Osama, technically making the latter president of the United States.  
It is not known if Roberts' error was a slip of the tongue or a  
premeditated plot to elevate the Al Qaeda leader to the most powerful  
position on the planet.

Whether or not Bin Laden will continue as U.S. president will be  
decided by the Supreme Court with Roberts recusing himself because of  
his role in the scandal which insures that the panel will be  
deadlocked four to four for the foreseeable future.

In other news, CNN, Fox, and MSNBC announced that they are changing  
formats to a 24-hour fake news cycle.

FEBRUARY - With no decision forthcoming from the deadlocked Supreme  
Court, Bin Laden continues as U.S. president and Obama Hussein as  
president-elect. The confusion has detonated an unlikely string of  
events in the Middle East. On Groundhog's Day, a national holiday in  
Iran, President Mahmud Ahmadinejad let fly with a shoe-shaped missile  
that dropped thousands of shoe-lets on Israel to protest the  
continuing bombing of Gaza now in its third month. The shoe-lets  
bopped several residents on the noggin, slightly injuring two Jews  
and an Israeli Arab in addition to rendering a hapless Bedouin camel  
unconscious. Israel launched a rain of nuclear missiles in  
retaliation killing and maiming a third of the Iranian people and  
eliminating that ancient nation's non-existent nuclear capability.

In Iraq, the Baghdad shoe coup unleashed by militants affiliated with  
Muqtada al-Sadr so seriously contused Washington puppet Nuri al- 
Maliki after he was creamed by a pair of ten-pound combat boot that  
he had to be flown to Walter Reed Shoe Hospital for repairs. Hero  
reporter and shoe-flinger Muntadhar al-Zaidi has been chosen to  
replace the fallen quisling.

In other shoe news, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton in her first  
world tour of the first world, has been pelted by shoes in 12  
countries, many of them in the latest designer models for which she  
thanked her would-be assassins.

On the economic front, the international shoe deluge has been the  
only bright spot in an otherwise dismal forecast with shoe stores  
staying open 25-7 to meet the demand for the missiles.

MARCH - The continuing confusion over who exactly is the U.S.  
president has impacted the American war machine in Afghanistan where  
30,000 U.S. boots on the ground and another 30,000 being forwarded to  
that devastated landscape are now officially under Al Qaeda-Taliban  
command.

Meanwhile on the homefront, the plummeting economy has now reached  
the disastrous proportions of the Great Depression - of 1907 - when  
world commodity prices dropped into negative numbers but there was no  
cash to buy them. Among those most affected is the White House where  
all staff has been laid off. First Lady-elect Michelle Obama  
confessed to People Magazine that she is now doing White House floors  
- the first girls-elect will work off their allowances, reduced by  
half due to the calamitous economic situation, by cleaning the  
toilets. As usual, steamed Michelle, Barack Hussein refuses to take  
out the garbage.

Also in the financial toilet: the publishing industry. In a  
reflection of popular discontent at the collapse of capitalism, Karl  
Marx's "Das Capital" hit number one on the New York Times best-seller  
list. The bad news is that Marx's bestseller only sold three copies.  
The New York Times itself has gone belly-up causing older U.S.  
radicals who could no longer get their blood boiling without the  
daily lies served up by the former newspaper of record to lapse into  
life-threatening comas.

The downfall of the publishing industry also affected the author of  
Blindman's Buff whose latest opus "El Monstruo - True Tales of Dread  
& Redemption in Mexico City" has been shredded and buried in a West  
African landfill.

APRIL - In a ploy to distinguish himself from President Osama Bin  
Laden, Obama Hussein has taken to wearing a yarmulke to express his  
solidarity with the Israeli government of Benjamin Netanyahoo now in  
its fifth month of bombing Gaza where over 4,000,000 Hamas-related  
Palestinians have been killed or wounded, double the population of  
that seaside strip and ten times the number of previously recorded  
Hamas supporters. "Hamas must stop its naked aggression against Tel  
Aviv," the yarmulke-wearing president warned.

International tensions were also ratcheted up by the April Fool's Day  
invasion of Atlanta, Georgia by Georgian strongman Mikhail  
Saakoshitli, claiming copywrite infringement. "We had the name  
first," Sacoshitli told the former New York Times. The former Soviet  
Union came to the defense of that former southern state made famous  
by former ax-wielding governor Lester Maddox by launching a massive  
Piroshki attack on Tbilisi.

Meanwhile, a crack team of Yeshiva Talmudic scholars broke into  
Bernie Madof's Upper East Side bunker and whacked the deposed Ponzi  
schemer in retaliation for putting their university out of its misery.

On the economic side, Goodwill Stores announced that it is taking  
over the shuttered factories of the Big Three automakers and  
converting them into thrift stores.

MAY - New York City police closed down Wall Street to pedestrian  
traffic after several Japanese tourist groups were crushed flat by  
plunging stockbrokers. Mobs of hungry homeless citizens sacked  
Sothby's, carrying off the hors d'oeuvres and many priceless  
paintings of Andy Warhol Campbell Soup cans.

The deflationary spiral was accentuated when millions of lost  
balloons gathered over the North American landmass and plummeted to  
earth, further paralyzing traffic on major U.S. Interstates where  
over a million motorists now living in their cars after being evicted  
from their homes, have been parked in coast-to-coast gridlock for  
months.

JUNE - In news from our Latin neighbors, Felipe Calderon ("Fecal"),  
the fraudulently elected president of Mexico, has died in an alleged  
tricycle accident and is being replaced by a coalition of five drug  
cartels.

In another Latin development, Hugo Chavez was elected president for  
life of Venezuela but choked to death on a CIA-planted banana the  
next day during a victory party at Miraflores Palace while cursing  
the Yanquis.

As for the Yanquis, the Bronx Bombers announced the signing of Lebron  
James to an unprecedented billion dollar ten-year contract despite  
the penury of the nation. "We know Lebron plays basketball" conceded  
GM Brian Cashman, "but we really liked his exorbitant salary demands."

Finally, final arguments were heard by the deadlocked Supreme Court  
in the Obama-Osama flap with no resolution of this existential crisis  
in sight.

JULY - Dog food has become so expensive and money so worthless that  
millions of Americans are broiling their pets. Packs of feral French  
poodles now rule New York's Park Avenue.

Heeding his economic advisers whose worthless advice bankrupted the  
U.S. in the first place, The yarmulke-wearing President-elect has  
ordered the printing of a trillion dollars worth of worthless money.  
Desperate for a fix, the nation's chronic shopping addicts are now  
hauling their worthless dollars to Wal Mart stores in wheelbarrows. A  
riot at the Mall of America in Minneapolis killed 36 when the doors  
opened at Wal Mart for the chain's weekly wheelbarrow sale.

Meanwhile the price of gasoline which was down to two cents Americano  
in June suddenly skyrocketed to $10 a gallon. Collusion by the Saudi  
government and Greenpeace is suspected.

AUGUST - Record-breaking flooding on the River Denial has so swelled  
the world's oceans that waves are lapping at the upper floors of the  
world's tallest skyscraper in downtown Dubai. In other news of global  
warming, more than a million penguins turned out for the Million  
Penguin March On Washington.

President-elect Obama Hussein's unresolved tenancy of the Oval Office  
was further jolted by news that ex-prexy George Bush, bored with  
sawing logs on his ranch retreat, has risen in Texas. Under rebel  
commander David Betrayus, Waco, Dallas, and Larry McMurtry's Book  
City have fallen to the insurgents.

SEPTEMBER - With the Bushite army advancing on Washington,  
unemployment at 150% (many people lost two jobs), global warming  
turning Mother Earth into one big cuchifrito, and the Supreme Court  
still dead- locked over whether Osama or Obama is the legitimate U.S.  
president, the yarmulke-wearing President-elect opted to call off the  
rest of 2009 and fled to his home state of Hawaii which no one has  
been able to locate for months.

John Ross's crystal ball was blown up by suspected Mossad agents on  
New Year's Eve. If you have further information write  
johnross at igc.org or consult www.johnross-rebeljournalist.com.