[A-List] A Modest Proposal

[Bill Totten]

For preventing the People of the United States from being a burden to
their Government, and For Making Them Beneficial to The Public.

by Matt Hutaff

The Simon - Canon Fodder (August 07 2007)


I was at the grocery store the other day when I realized I didn't do
enough to support the troops.

The epiphany came after I'd purchased a sandwich for lunch. Walking
through the parking lot, I saw a sedan with a yellow ribbon stuck to the
bumper. It radiated patriotism, encouragement, and love for the military
- three things I'd thought impossible since American troops tried to
assassinate an Italian journalist in 2005 {1}.

Seeing that mass-produced magnet struck a chord within me. Despite the
apparent inhumanity of our armed forces, each face has a very human
story behind it. It's a melancholy exercise to read stories about those
with debilitating injuries or psychological problems, or the conditions
of their hospital rooms and homes upon their return from a tour of duty.
Our army is an all-volunteer force, and with that force spread thin in
our war against whatever we're fighting against this week, it's time to
relieve some of those burdens.

I think it's agreed by all parties that the number of men in arms is too
small, while the number of obnoxious teens and dim-witted adults is too
large. MySpace, text messaging, My Super Sweet 16, creation museums,
blue collar comedy - it's an ongoing rape of our culture that's left the
country in a deplorable state. But what can be done? Draft resolutions
come and go, yet recruitment is down despite the latitude given the Army
by public high schools!

I've turned my thoughts on this inwardly for some time and have a
solution. Some might find it distasteful, even bourgeois, but desperate
times call for desperate measures. If government can commit to charging
ahead full steam with no regard for the consequences of its actions, it
is incumbent upon its citizens to do the same. The advantages by the
proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the
highest importance.

First, the government must act on powers granted under the No Child Left
Behind Act. Promised as a solution to public education problems, the
legislation has instead debased curricula and turned schools into
recruitment centers. Have they been efficient enough in doing so? No.
While children are now far less educated than peers in other Western
countries, they are still rebellious and petulant. And while petulance
may prove useful when staring down the barrel of an enemy gun, it has no
place in non-combat situations.

The education system was designed to keep youth uneducated and docile
{2}. In its current state that mission has failed. As former Dean of
Education at Stanford University Elwood Cubberly once said (and said
rightly!), schools should be factories "in which raw products, children,
are to be shaped and formed into finished products ... manufactured like
nails, and the specifications for manufacturing will come from
government and industry". It is not too late for students to fulfill
this potential! The benefit is twofold; children provide something
valuable of their own (fodder for the government machine), while the
government can make manifest its destiny without the hindrance of a
cognoscenti.

Children are by and large a drain on society, forcing parents to work
harder for little return. I've seen poor mothers working several jobs
just so their children can eat. They are stupid, lazy, helpless, and
underachieving, and they do not appreciate the gift granted them by
society (witness a pack at a store yelling at their parents for buying
the wrong brand of shirt). Yet, if bred correctly, they are a vast,
untapped renewable resource. Education, or lack thereof, is key in
molding that resource.


Second, government must continue its goal of eliminating class barriers
between Americans. We've seen great strides in that area, from the
amnesty programs proposing citizenship for millions of undocumented and
illegal aliens to the outsourcing of high-wage jobs to foreign lands.
Nothing breeds superiority and resentment like castes, and leveling the
playing field is integral to promoting homogeneity across our nation.
Through aggressive campaigns to lower both quality of life and the
dollar's worth, the United States will achieve parity. Granted, bouts of
massive unemployment and homelessness will follow, but each of those
souls can find a hot meal at their nearest army base.


Third, much mention has been made about declining standards in
engineering throughout this country. The ravages of Katrina are a stark
reminder that funding is simply not available for both war and
infrastructure. But which is more important, the well-being of poor
blacks or a god-inspired government mandate? That answer is obvious.

The decay of our bridges, roads, and levees is not just smart business,
it's also good entertainment. There isn't a man alive who didn't tilt
back his head in laughter when he heard about those fools who fell to
their death in Minneapolis last week. And with six out of ten Americans
worried about bridge safety {3}, we can all look forward to a riotous
game of guessing which will be the next to collapse. Perhaps the Golden
Gate? Or is it the Brooklyn Bridge? The answer is comedy no matter the
outcome. And, of course, those eager to escape their rotting cities will
be eager to sign up for our armed forces, where reconstruction efforts
happen on a daily basis. There's a security in that.


The federal government works tirelessly to promote these programs,
hoping their ranks will swell as the strength of the nation diminishes.
We must support them all. The American people are a burden on their
government, and making us as beneficial to its plans is the best for all
concerned. With the number of souls in this country teetering around
three hundred million, I calculate there may be about two hundred
thousand whose lives would shift from civilian to soldier. Given that,
our troop ranks will be replenished, and replenished easily.

This will allow for the merciful euthanization of our injured veterans,
who do little more than tie up resources needed for new recruits headed
to the front lines. Do we really want cripples and freaks sullying the
panorama that is the United States? Do those troops really want to live
in that condition? The answer to both is no.

Lowering the population while keeping America strong - Thomas Malthus
would be proud. And if that doesn't support our troops, I'd like to hear
your proposal.


Notes

{1}
http://www.thesimon.com/magazine/articles/canon_fodder/0781_survivor_fallujah_sgrena_edition.html

{2} http://www.thememoryhole.org/edu/school-mission.htm

{3} http://news.xinhuanet.com/english/2007-08/07/content_6490595.htm

_____

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